and that’s that

So, after much deliberation, I have decided not to take the record deal. I’m stunned to have been given the opportunity and I’ll always carry the knowledge that I was good enough to ‘make it’, whatever that means – at my very best, I was onto something. But it’s not my dream anymore. I have a bigger dream now that involves my son. I daresay we”ll have lots of music in our lives anyway. I will still continue to play the odd gig and to record the odd EP in my bathroom. This is all I want to do with music, because I never want it to be my job and I never want it to be the thing that keeps me away from the best stuff in life: my family and friends. Thank you everyone for your kind words, support, time, inspiration. I would like to thank especially the Cardiff music scene for keeping it real.

it’s not about the doldrum

If I can get a bus pass, I can spend more time on the bus, which is precisely where I write all my best lyrics. I guess this is because I feel like a drifter when travelling by bus and that drifter mind is where I seem to have my most honest thoughts… maybe because that’s when I feel most free, uninhibited by the responsibilities of life at home.

So now I have about five songs on the go. I’ve made the most progress on a song that seems to have come together in about an hour.  It’s about faltering for years and years on the subject of who you are, only to find one day that you’ve lost yourself and you’ve settled for all the adjectives you used to discount. It’s about being as brave as you dare, courage being in the acts with which you risk the most. It’s about being stunned by indecision, about being so scared of choosing a life that you choose none at all, and dabbling in this, that and the other until you realise that all that pleasure you got from all your small achievements was shallow, and now maybe you’re ready to go the long haul with a massive project, or a person. You’re no longer scared that we end up alone, because ending up alone is not the worst thing that ever happened to a person. One of the worst things that could happen is that you form attachments to ideas about a future which inevitably will not happen.

I haven’t thought of a name for the song yet.

Happy Anti-After-Valentine’s Day

I watched The Karate Kid and ate Easter eggs.

this week I have mostly been…

• running. managed 10 miles yesterday. it’s definitely not the thing for me, but i can give up after my half-marathon on the 4th march.
• meeting with lovely people from a lovely record label.
• writing songs. made some headway with my bicycle song, and my doldrum song, and my drifting song.
• organising Birkenstock! Third one already!
• making bunting for Birkenstock! It’s been going on for about five hours now. The only reason I have to make it is because I forgot to take home the decorations from the last Birkenstock. And the first one. I won’t forget this time, I swear, because if I do, I’m going to ground myself.
• hanging out with some friends, but completely missing others… mostly because i’ve had little spare time this week.
• i embraced inconsistency.
• the other thing i’ve been doing is jumping up and down with excitement because i’ve been asked to support beth jeans houghton. did i tell you this already? she’s my favourite artist this year. being asked to support her was completely unexpected and it’s most definitely the most exciting gig i’ve been offered in a very long time.
• last night i couldn’t sleep because i kept imagining the worst thing that could happen to me onstage at a beth jeans houghton gig.
• i made two whole batches of rocky road cake and they each lasted a mere few hours. i am currently everyone’s best friend.

Today I have been a real musician!

Well, a validated one.

I started the day off at Chapter in Cardiff to talk about the record deal (it’s looking like it might not be a joke, y’know). Before the meeting, I logged onto the internet and found a message from one of the promoters at Buffalo bar asking me if I’d support Beth Jeans Houghton on February 27th! My head nearly fell off, I was laughing so much! This woman – Beth – is my number 1 most listened to artist of the last month, so to be asked to support her really seems like a sweet case of serendipity.

I think it’s fair to say that I’m nowhere near giving up music. Now I just have to accept the fact that I will probably be poor for life (the reason I was going to give it up) and really take solace in the fact that I get to be exactly what I always wanted to be when I grow up.

I really have a blessed life. In a very agnostic sort of way, like.

Anyway, the boys and girl from record label seem super nice. I won’t announce or confirm anything until there’re names on the dotted lines, though.

Reader, I don’t know what to say. I may have just been offered a record deal. It’s not final. It’s hardly started, really. I got a call this week from a manager of a local independent label who said that she and the rest of the label would be interested in meeting with me about making a record. It’s a common theme in life that what you want often looks a little different when it comes along. I never imagined myself being a single lesbian mum with a record deal. If you’d said this to me a year ago that the moment I decided to give it all up would be the moment that a life-long dream would come true, I’d have believed you… of course I’d have believed you – it seems to be the way of things…

Anyone who makes art for money is not making art.

When I told my friends that I was giving up art, they laughed and said I could never give up my voice. I didn’t explain it well enough. I know I can never give up my voice, but I know that if I were to choose a life as a 9-5 worker and rest-of-time mum, I can’t also be a working musician. It doesn’t work that way for me because I only ever want to write music at 3am in the morning, or ten minutes before I have to leave the house for work. Making music is not compatible with a normal life for me.

I’ve met an amazing woman recently who has become – who I hope to be – a dear friend for life. She asked me if misery loves creativity. I said it’s a myth that an artist has to be miserable to create her work. I hold fast to this statement. It really is a myth that we have to miserable to play Emin. Just last week, the sun was shining and I played an Emin. And an Amin, too – arguably, the most melancholy of all chords.

But I have to admit, I haven’t written very much since I wrote Borealis. I decided after writing that song that I could no longer rely on a broken heart to write a good song. And I started to think that writing about my loved ones was perhaps a little disprespectful. I am still conflicted. God knows the value of a good song, the value of shared experiences. But there is a fine line between sharing an experience and telling too much.

So what does this all have to do with that possible record deal? Well, I don’t know. I guess it’s all about balance.

And what else can I say? I wrote a new song this weekend. It’s sounding a lot like that old fearless self of mine.

Irony.

Irony is thinking that music will make you happy – and now that you are happy, you’re hardly writing any.